The Morans: A History

Of course, everyone knows The Morans, that super-famous band of awful backward hillbillies. But very few people know the true story of how they came to be.

Photo of a stretch limo pickup-truck
The Morans in their super-famous tour bus.

The Morans began as a collection of single-celled organisms in the primordial soups of prehistoric Alabama. To this day, The Morans remain a collection of single-celled organisms from the primordial soups of modern-day Alabama.

The Morans got their first big break when they were discovered by their talent manager, Cletus Hooterstank. Cletus arranged for the band to open for such upstanding touring acts as Kid Rock, Britney Spears, and Warrant.

Photo of naked redneck sitting on toilet and talking on
a cell phone outside of his trailer home
Cletus negotiating with Kid Rock's management to book The Morans as the opening act.

Unfortunately, Cletus kept the band's signing bonus for himself, using it to buy some hubcaps for home improvement. Later, Kid Rock began several brawls with the band after rumors began circulating that they had all had past relations with Pamela Anderson. The feud was eventually resolved when it was proven that all of The Morans and Kid Rock himself were in fact all related to Pamela Anderson.

In a futile attempt at entrepreneurship, The Morans tried starting their own "Geek Squad".

Photo of a badly misspelled makeshift computor repair sign
The Morans computer repair business.

When their business venture didn't pan out, they tried going back to school, but they just couldn't make the grade, ultimately setting world records for the lowest test scores.

Photo of humorous student exam 1

To help defend themselves against the barrage of subsequent lawsuits, The Morans needed a business plan that couldn't possibly fail. So they decided to sell cakes. Things were looking up as the first couple orders came in, and the The Morans proudly delivered.

Photo of humorously literal cake 1

The Morans deliver their first custom-made cakes.

Sadly, business was slow, and The Morans knew this joyous time would not last. Their last order was for a wedding cake for Cletus's daughter, Sharneeka.

Wedding photo of ugly hillbillies
Sharneeka with her new husband, Jethro.
(Not pictured: The Morans rehearsing inside the garage.)

Finally, The Morans were forced to face the truth: they were redneck rockers at heart, and they just weren't cut out for anything else. So they set out on a relentless 20-year touring schedule and haven't looked back since.

As seasoned unprofessionals, The Morans have developed and refined a variety of techniques for making sure their technologically underwhelming act always goes off smoothly.

Photo of hand with 'get beer' scrawled on it
Palm Pilots are one of the many ways The Morans keep their show running smoothly.

In between gigs at local Am/Pm minimarts, The Morans enjoy a wide variety of traditional leisure activities, such as boating or playing horseshoes.

Photo of redneck with lawn chair on styrofoam floaties
Photo of overweight cowboys playing horseshoes using toilet seats

And of course, The Morans feel an obligation to use their lack of fame or fortune to support worthy political causes. In fact, it is at these political rallies that the band has found the majority of its loyal fans.

Protestor sign: Make English America's 'offical' language!
Protestor sign: I have a DERAM!

The Morans also try to be good samaritans wherever possible, providing supplies and relief to folks in need.

Photo of redneck man pushing his redneck wife wand several cans of beer and minimart snacks through the flood on a floating board
A grateful couple thanks The Morans for providing a rescue vessel and desperately-needed food supplies in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike.

Images used here are understood by us to be public domain. If you are the copyright owner of any image on this page and can prove it, please contact us so we can respect your copyrights.